Lord, I want to KNOW you

Genuine love must be proven as genuine and it’s proven under pressure over time. ~Mike Bickle

When the music fades, all is stripped away,

And I simply come
Longing just to bring something that’s of worth
That will bless your heart
I’ll bring you more than a song
For a song in itself,
Is not what you have required
You search much deeper within,
Through the way things appear
You’re looking into my heart
I’m coming back to the heart of worship
And it’s all about You
It’s all about you, Jesus
I’m sorry, Lord for the thing I’ve made it
When it’s all about You
It’s all about You, Jesus….The Heart of Worship, Matt Redman

… so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith--that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.  Eph 3:17-19-ESV

How often have the words of this song burst forth from my heart like a mighty rushing river as I yearned for them to be true. They would flow out of my mouth and over my lips causing me to fall at times to my knees in tears and agony desiring to truly worship God in spirit and in truth. The impact of those words was preceded by years of praying certain scriptures out of Ephesians chapters 1 and 3. During my prayer closet days (literal closet) I would weep over a makeshift altar asking that the love of Christ would be rooted and grounded in my heart by faith. I wanted the eyes of my understanding to be enlightened; I wanted to know the exceeding greatness of God’s power towards those who believe. Unknowingly, at that time, I was not aware of the divine set up that was set in motion by God thru His Spirit for these prayers to be answered. I was clueless of the process of how such truths are cultivated within the heart of the believer.

For instance, asking to have the love of Christ “rooted” and “grounded” denotes digging deeply, plowing, uprooting before rooting can take place, it requires grinding, compacting, and consolidating, all of which involves PRESSURE.  And then there is the desire to return to a heart of worship because you have truly come to see that it is “ALL ABOUT JESUS" and with this convicting revelation comes the STRIPPING.

As I’ve walked this journey this past year the word of God has been exactly what it says it is, a two-edge sword, dividing asunder soul and spirit. It has been a light exposing hidden darkness, a balm of healing for the wounded spirit, a refuge in times of trouble, an anchor for my soul, my saving grace, and more. This journey is a part of that divine set up which began in that prayer closet back in 1983.  My heart has been led down a path that has uncovered-revealed, excavated-uprooted, such things within me that has brought me to a divine halt and I shall go no further until things are resolved. I’ve reached a crossroad. I can either take the pathways of “BELIEF” (believing) or “KNOW” (knowing) or the one that unites the two together as one.

I’ve often taught that one of my scariest scriptures is the one out of Matthew 7 where it is said by some that they did all manner of things in Jesus’ name yet He says to them to depart from Him because He never knew them.  This troubles me because they “believed” therefore they were able to do and achieve such accomplishments as those that were mentioned in the scripture. Therefore, I’ve trembled over this and sought to not be counted amongst such a group but to be known of Christ and to know Him as well.

The stripping and pressure that I’ve experienced this year has made me aware that I truly believe in the WORD of God. I have faith in the WORD of God. I trust in the WORD of God. I am committed to the WORD of God. I am fully persuaded that God is the WORD, the WORD is God and that He is faithful to His WORD. Now that this is understood let me reveal my problem. My problem is that during this season of extreme pressure and stripping I have discovered that my head and my heart believes and knows the truths of God’s word but one truth was not found in my heart. I found myself unable to verbalize that I knew that God loved me. That’s right! I believe that He loves me because His WORD tells me so. My Mind knows and believes beyond any shadow of doubt that God loves me because He is love. He can do nothing nor be anything other than who He is. I believe with my head that He loves me and this belief is good. This belief will in fact enable me to live a life of faith as a believer and God would be pleased (Heb 11:6). But this shocking revelation brought forth by the sharp sword of the Lord opened my eyes to see that there are two places that a believer can live out of, the mind (soul) or heart (spirit) or I can let His word have its perfect work in me and the two can become ONE.  In John 17:3, Jesus did not pray that I would believe in God; His prayer was that I would know God. Believing and knowing are two separate entities. There has to be a convergence of the two in order for this great love of Christ to be rooted and grounded in my heart by faith.

I shudder to think that had I not been stripped this past year of all that I deemed meaningful too and for my life that I would have remained clueless of this truth. Because of my beliefs and faith I would have continued to live, teach, preach, and walk with Christ being fully persuaded with my mind and heart of His word yet having areas of disunity between the two. I give honor to the patient and longsuffering God who planted those prayers in seed form within my heart and although I’ve fallen short, grappled with fear, let my tears become my food, wrestled with doubt and unbelief, and accused Him falsely; He never let me go and has purposed to honor His word and my deep cry. LORD, I want to know you. LORD, I don’t solely want to believe in your love for me, I want to know this love that you have for me and know that I love you with all my mind, strength, soul, my whole heart.

I choose the pathway which leads to convergence!

Beverly ~Timbra