And the vessel that he was making from clay was spoiled in the hand of the potter; so he made it over, reworking it into another vessel as it seemed good to the potter to make it.
Jeremiah 18:4
My transition to Kansas has definitely not been an easy one. The snow and bitter cold weather was a key player as to why I “did not” want to move here. It was one thing to submit my will to the Father and say yes to moving but it is a different story actually experiencing it. The impact of the weather, not knowing my way around town, no longer having my church and Gathering family, leaving my children and grandbabies, and everything else that was so familiar too me affected me more than I expected.
For several weeks I fought what I kept hearing in my head – the words “you are depressed”…in fact I tried to “faith” it away and/or deny it. Instead of facing it and dealing with a “truth” I ended up in a place that I thought I would never see again. Before I knew it I was in a deep, dark place and beyond a despair that seemed worse than when I lost my friend and husband, Gregory Henley. When I finally acknowledged my feelings as being real I had fallen too far and had no faith to pray. All I could think of was that this is the “valley of dry bones.” Once I admitted it the Lord began to confirm it on numerous occasions, even thru someone who had no clue of what they were saying when they sent me something in reference to that very thing “valley of dry bones” via a text message. I was now at the point where it was impossible for me to pray for myself. I was spiritually bankrupt….I had nothing…and I was not willing to tell anyone and I had shut down.
In teaching and counseling I have often referred to this place when trying to get people to understand that there is a time for everything under the sun…and one of those is…a time to “die.” When this happens it is best to have relationships with others who will pray and watch for you because when you are dead…you’re dead. I’m not one for fooling myself….one of my favorite songs of all times as a seasoned intercessor is Twila Parish’s –The Warrior Is a Child. I could hear my spirit man saying to God…please don’t let me fall…over and over and over again…that was all I could say. Let me say that I do believe that going to the Prayer Room during this time was more like being on life support even though all I would do while sitting there was cry, I began to get tired of doing that and wanted to use it as an excuse NOT to go. Thankfully, I have some very close and personal friends and family who love me and without any prompting took their stance on the wall, fasted and prayed, yielded their swords, and spoke and sent the words of life into my valley. About 2 Sunday’s ago, upon my waking I felt breath enter into my chest….I mean literal wind entered my chest and the Lord spoke to me the WORD’s of life.
Death to everything is what He is requiring of me. How often I have said to Him that I would give Him my all. How often I have asked to be used for His glory. How often I have said that my life is not my own, that I “belong” to Jesus and how often has He said to me “daughter, count the cost.” I never knew how deeply bound to me, myself, and I that I was and I still am…but I can recall in my earlier years saying to God, “no matter how hard I strive or resist you...please, don’t let me have my way.”
While in the valley I was tempted and offered fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and to tell the truth I almost bought the lie. Then the enemy pulled the shame card, I almost bought that one too, BUT…I have a God who listens to my heart instead of the anguish voice of my soul and unlike the first Adam…this Last Adam stepped in to save and deliver. He kissed me today and sang a beautiful love song to me while in the Prayer Room…and then He reminded me of something:
Chorus (from one of the songs today)
There is a dream in the heart of my Maker….
There is a smile on the face of the Potter…..
There is a dream in the heart of my Maker….
Oh God of hope….
(Personal entry from today’s journal)
While singing this repeatedly I know that there are times when I would like to be taken off of the Potter’s wheel or better yet to just get off because of the pressures that comes with the molding…But as I look into the face of the Potter and see the delight in His eyes and the smile upon His face because He knows what He is doing and He sees already the end product, I can take comfort and heart in that… and remain by “choice” upon the Potter’s wheel.
Bev
